Yikes Domestic Abuse is a pretty heavy topic for a blog but after this weekend with the NFL player killing his girlfriend and then himself it has really stirred up a lot of old feelings. So I am going to get serious for a little bit. I hope that is ok.
When I met Ashton's dad I thought he hung the moon. I fell in love with him instantly. We had a wonderful and perfect relationship for about a month. Then one day everything changed. I remember exactly what happened the day he first hit me. It was my Godson's first birthdays and I wanted to go to the cemetery to visit their graves. Well Craig did not want to do that, he wanted to watch a movie. So I told him that I would just go by myself and would be back when I was finished. Well he flipped out and started yelling at me. I had no idea what the heck was going on and it scared me so I just kinda stood there and that is when he pushed me down and punched me as hard as he could in the back. I remember screaming in pain and fear but being paralyzed and not able to move. He started crying and telling me how sorry he was and that he would never do it again. Well I loved him so I forgave him. I told him that if he ever did it again that I would leave him. He promised it would never happen again. Well needless to say he lied.
I don't want to go into all the times that he hit me, because it was A LOT! I mean as hard as this is for me to say, he hit me pretty much every day. One day he chased me into his kitchen and when I fell into the corner he held a knife to my throat and dared me to move. We got in a huge fight at a concert one night, because I said hi to an old friend, and he drove 2 hours out of the way JUST so he could beat the HELL out of me for a longer time. BUT I almost begged him to hit me in order to stop the emotional abuse I was getting. That was worse, it really was. He would tell me how fat and ugly I was. That no one else would love me. That I if I left him I would be alone. That I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Then he would say he loved me despite how fat and ugly I was, so I better stay with him because I was lucky that he loved me.
I know what you are thinking. Why didn't I leave him? Why did I put up with it? TRUST me I know!! And as generic as it sounds, I thought he loved me and I loved him. Yes he hit me and yes he emotionally destroyed me, BUT I thought I could change him. I thought that when he promised that he would not do it again that he meant it. He was my first love and I thought I would die without him. I didn't think I would find anyone else. I was wrong.
Craig and I broke up 3 days before I found out that I was pregnant with Ashton. I was going to be a single mom and I knew even though it was hard, that it was the best thing for me and for my son. He would be raised in a house filled with love and not anger. It took a long long time for me to forgive Craig for all the pain he caused me, but I have. He and I actually have a civil relationship. He adores his son and has recently gotten married. He has changed for the better and I am happy about that. I still struggle with the effects of the emotional abuse. I have a pretty low self esteem, but it is getting better. I hide a lot of my insecurities behind my quick wit and humor.
I was lucky enough to find a WONDERFUL man who loves me and tells me I am beautiful and wonderful all the time. I find that I am pretty needy on that end, I crave hearing that, because I was told the opposite for so long. My point of writing this is to just be real with everyone. Also I hope this will help people to not judge people in abusive relationships. I know it is really easy for people on the outside to say "Just leave" but it is not always that easy.
Ok well I hope that I didn't lose any readers because of this! Tomorrow I will be back to my fun, lighthearted self!
